Another time, while I was having dinner over at my clinical supervisor’s home, our hostess Sandra admired my date’s cameo necklace. She immediately offered it to Sandra, and Sandra refused. After my date offered twice, Sandra graciously accepted it. I was shocked. My initial reaction was that Sandra should not have accepted the cameo from someone she never met before. Essentially, this woman was a stranger, and aren’t we drilled as children never to accept gifts from strangers?

I think very differently now. Vincente and Sandra were right. We feel that if we accept something we are indebted. On the other hand, when we give, we feel people should not accept unless they are prepared to reciprocate. Instead of just enjoying a gift, receivers are often fearful that accepting makes them indebted to the giver. Men frequently buy women gifts of flowers, drinks and bling-bling to get laid. Women, of course, have used sex to get drinks, flowers, and bling-bling. One of the subtle ways used to control people is by buying them things or doing them favors. We feel indebted and subtlety controlled.

It takes ego strength to accept things. We need to feel worthy to receive. My barber, Mike, is also a friend so he wouldn’t charge me for a haircut. I was amazed how many people disapproved that I would accept. I know Mike feels good helping his friends and that makes him a special person.

Similarly, many people won’t accept gifts from parents or in-laws because they believe that their independence will be compromised. When I was first married, my in-laws offered me money to help buy a car. I accepted. And when they tried to dictate which car I should get, I told them that I appreciated their generosity but the choice of which car to buy was still my own.

When we give, we should give without thinking of it as an investment. One patient felt rejected because she called one friend many more times than the friend called her. I asked her if she enjoyed talking to that friend, and whether the friend sounded annoyed by her calls. “Of course not!” she replied. The notion of reciprocity was so deep that it inhibited her from calling a friend she enjoyed talking to. She should feel free to call and not become involved in keeping score.

In the same vein, never sacrifice. If you don’t want to give, feel free to say “no.” Otherwise you’ll usually pay twice. Once is by giving something you don’t want to give. The other, more insidious, is that you’ll resent both the act of giving and the person you gave to. Despite the pride of Jewish (and other) mothers in how they sacrifice for their kids, there is nothing noble about sacrificing. Giving freely and enjoying the giving is much healthier. Think of both receiving and giving as having no strings attached and both will be far more enjoyable—like they’re meant to be.