Sibling Fighting

Sibling Fighting

Although fighting between siblings is usually irritating, there is a positive side. Adult life is difficult and requires learning skills like being assertive, as well as knowing “when to hold ‘em” and “when to fold ‘em”. Sibling fighting provides a prototype experience for many of these valuable skills. In nature, most predators are born in litters and the fighting they do prepares them by providing practice of necessary survival skills. It also seems that the fighting helps establish bonds between the siblings. But unlike the litters in nature, human siblings have differences in age and strength, and the fighting is often one-sided.

The most difficult patients for me to see in therapy are those who have been over-indulged. They have been taught that the world exists for their gratification and are frequently overwhelmed when they have to fight for themselves. In most cases, these individuals lacked constructive sibling fighting and consequently did not develop coping skills necessary in adult life. Often times, parents’ inability to properly regulate the fighting causes more harm than good. If there is persistent or overwhelming one-sidedness, or if parents are too irritated, there are steps for parents to take to reduce the fighting. Although the actions vary with the age differences of the siblings, these general principles have proven very helpful for many parents.

Rule number one is for the parents not to be the judge. When kids are fighting, it is difficult for the parents to see who started it. Jimmy flips a bird at Tommy, who, two hours ago took Jimmy’s Play Station for an hour. Tommy, seeing the middle finger, curses Jimmy, and the escalation begins. The parents get annoyed at Tommy for pushing Jimmy, but were not privy to the history of the dispute. More importantly, both kids, with some degree of legitimacy, feel the other started it. Each will point fingers at the other as the guilty culprit. If the parents punish one, that one sulks while the other gloats.

Rule number two is to avoid lectures. It is easy to be right in life, but requires work to be effective. When parents tell kids that there are better ways to resolve conflicts and that fighting is immature and yakity yak yak yak…kids will hear, “There (s)he goes again.” And not one word will penetrate. Of course the parent is correct, but what is said will be different from what Tommy and Jimmy will hear.

I like the, “One warning, then the schnitzel” rule. Fighting kids are told that if they don’t stop fighting, both of them will get the schnitzel. The schnitzel varies, depending on the priorities of the parents. However, if the warning is to have any substance, there must be only ONE warning. All too often I hear parents repeat warnings: “I really mean it now”; and later, “This time, I’m serious.” By doing this they are teaching their kids that the warning merely signifies another warning and should not be taken seriously. For warnings to count, they must signal consequences.

The schnitzel I prefer is: “If you kids don’t stop fighting immediately, you will have to go to your rooms immediately and stay there until you figure out a better way to handle this.” No questions about who started it, no decisions requiring Solomon-like wisdom, and fast results. Most families who have applied this rule are amazed how quickly the fighting reduces, much to the relief of parents.