Since dating is an exploration process, it is expected that some of the explorations will lead to dead ends. People aren’t always right for each other. My previous article described three ways to end relationships: (1) by mutual agreement where it is clear both parties have different priorities and end it in a friendly way; (2) by unilateral declaration which usually leads to hurt and some finger-pointing; and (3) by increasingly finding fault in the other party so the other party is “blamed” for the relationship not working. Notice that the methods of ending the relationship are increasingly painful. The next three are even more hurtful.

4) Quite Bad: Often, as a relationship deteriorates, and tensions and resentments mount, neither party has the assertiveness skills nor the confidence to call it quits. The knots in the stomach have replaced the warm fuzzies of getting together, but the relationship continues. Instead of openly discussing the conflicts, one or both parties surreptitiously try to provoke a fight—a blowup that would define THE END. Often the sabotage to the relationship is covert and passive-aggressive. The goal is to provoke the other party into becoming so unreasonable that the provocative one can storm out with righteous indignation. One woman constantly demanded more money from her partner, came late to dinners and events, and when he became chronically nasty and accusatory, she righteously declared she couldn’t live with his abuse and was ending it. Although this is often a clean way to end a relationship, scars remain.

5) Even Worse: This is similar to Quite Bad, but the goal is to provoke the other party into ending the relationship. The plan is to become a classic pain-in-the ass until the other party cannot stand it anymore and ends it. When I was a graduate student in Chicago and came back to NY to see my love, she was bitchy and aloof. She complained about my clothes, my ideas and my absence. The final straw was when I commented about her different, though half-used, tube of contraceptive jelly. Her voice went up two octaves as she explained the old one dried out and she borrowed that one from a friend. Sure! She later said she wanted to continue, but we should see other people. I wasn’t ready for that, and I never saw her again. Although, ostensibly, I was the one who ended it and she was tearful, her “advertising” told me she wanted to go in a different direction. I licked my wounds, survived and went on.

6) The Worst Way: Sometimes there is either a lack of assertiveness skills and/or a lack of confidence that prevents either party from ending a bad relationship. I have seen cases where the parties neither like nor respect each other, yet the relationship continues in a destructive way. When I look at the way they treat one another, it seems they are either in a dominance struggle or want the other to take the responsibility for ending the relationship. These couples feel trapped. They seem to feel they are not worthy or capable of finding anyone else. The Worst Way can continue for years. Because neither party really wants to be in the relationship, they resent and treat each other badly. Even mild animals can become dangerous when they feel cornered. Because both parties feel trapped, they spend more time biting each other than helping each other. I see this as the most destructive way of ending a relationship. The relationship is gone, but the hostility continues.

Tony Martin sang a song, “For every man there’s a woman, for every woman a man.” Perhaps this is not entirely true, but one of the key reasons society works is our enormous heterogeneity. Menus often have over a hundred choices on them because people have very different tastes. Some men like skinny women, some prefer fat ones. Some women like dominant men, while others prefer dependent ones. With effort, the odds are overwhelming that there are available mates. Yet, the fear of not having anyone is the weak cement for some relationships.

Ending a relationship is not necessarily a failure of either party. Be civil, open, frank and get on with the exploration process.