Some relationships are simply not to be. The people have incompatible temperaments, priorities, intellects and/or values. These differences prevent continuing a positive relationship. The dating dance is a method of exploring—exploring about potential partners and finding out about ourselves. Sometimes we find our strengths aren’t valued by every potential mate. When I grew up in the Southeast Bronx, reading and thinking were not nearly as valued as having big muscles and a loud car. Later, I met women who better shared my values. My wife, Marilyn, still remembers being rejected in sixth grade in Warrenton, Missouri by Homer Hanke because she used “big words.” It hurt, but she recovered, and did better, for us, and probably them.

In the process of this exploration, there will normally be a number of misses before there is a hit. By a hit, I certainly don’t mean a perfect match, but someone who is worth the effort of trying to forge a permanent relationship. Rarely do any of the misses lack positive attributes. They will have reasons for appeal or the relationship would not have begun in the first place. Because there are benefits in the relationship, there are almost always mixed feelings about breaking up. When it reaches the point that your stomach turns into a knot at the thought of getting together, it is usually time to break the relationship off. Now comes the sticky part—How to End It. This does not apply to marriages where somewhat different rules apply.

1) Best Way: When both of you, in a similar way, have learned you are going in different directions and just cannot meet each other’s needs. You meet over drinks and, in a nonaccusatory way, discuss your different priorities and wish each other luck. You may well like the other person and realize that s/he will meet a different mate, but you hit that fork in the road where parting allows both of you to continue the journey. You may even continue a friendship of mutual support. Many platonic friendships have evolved from romantic relationships. Even though there is usually a residue of romance, the rules of not going there can be firm. Some pain, but still the best way to end it.

2) Not as Good: When only one partner has the knot in the gut. It takes two to make a relationship and if one isn’t there, it ain’t going to work. The Best Way approach can’t quite work, because only one wants to end it. Still use the Best Way approach, but be prepared for some hurt, anger, and accusations. If the rejected one is mature and doesn’t regard it as a failure, there may not be remonstrations. Often there are accusations, and these accusations may indeed be correct. E.g., “You’re not ready for a relationship, you’re immature!” Even though these accusations are correct, it still takes two to make a relationship. One party may prefer another outside the relationship and even though that will hurt, that’s real life. It is better to end it unilaterally than continuing an illusion without a future. A mature person who has been dumped will have seen the signs and should recognize that both parties are free to continue the exploration process.

3) Decidedly Worse: Because we often try to justify our actions without taking responsibility, we blame the other person for “forcing” us to end the relationship. The other person’s inevitable faults and imperfections become amplified and get under our skin. One of my client’s partner’s jaw clicked when he ate and that bothered her more and more as other differences emerged. Because there are differences in how important money and/or debt is, or differences in sexual priorities—e.g., oral sex—conflicts can arise. Partners always differ and that rarely makes one good and the other bad. Yet, especially when these differences are not discussed, they fester and swell. “S/he is rotten in bed!” one thinks in the middle of love making. Anger is usually the consequence, and that is followed by blame. The relationship is then ended by accusations and accompanied by righteousness. “You selfish jerk, I don’t want to see you again!” To no surprise, the accusatory breakup is often followed by both pain and counter accusations.

My next article will continue with even worse ways to end a relationship. All the ways discussed are common and increasingly painful.