In life, unfortunately, things frequently go wrong. Sometimes they go wrong because of chance, but more often errors are the products of fallible human beings. The reality is that we’re not born with crystal balls that foresee the future, and that our hopes, needs and limitations interfere with judgments. We all goof, some more than others, and that’s the way it is.

The interpersonal and emotional consequences of error are often more harmful than the error itself when people can’t resist the opportunity to point fingers—to indict themselves or others for the error. When I play golf and tennis, I see people, almost reflexively, call themselves names after they screw up. They often tense up and play worse. Recently, one of my patients was conned out of a significant amount of money by a charming and earnest fellow. He did the right thing in pressing charges, but he also lost many nights sleep by repeatedly calling himself a schmuck. He certainly goofed, and his goof was costly, but by pointing an indicting finger at himself, he is adding the emotional cost to the financial one. Pointing his finger at himself doesn’t restore the money, it just causes sleepless nights. In another case, a patient came into therapy angry about a fatal error of her husband. Having classic cardiac symptoms, he ignored her pleas to see a doctor and died. She was furious at him for dying and we had to work through the anger. As one who also denied cardiac symptoms, I understood how easy it is to put an evaluation off.

Relationships are fraught with conflict and with mistakes by all parties. One destructive way of handling these mistakes (and differences in priorities) is by pointing fingers. “You just throw away money, you ass!” vs. “You are a cheap S.O.B.” Or, “You are weak and give the kids everything they ask for!” vs. “You are the Hitler of the family!” What does the fingerpointing get anyone? Obviously, the pointing fingers only escalates the differences. Although finger-pointing comes effortlessly, it doesn’t help. We must ask ourselves, “How can I make things better?”

People get so caught up with righteous indignation that they often make things worse. Being right is easy, being effective requires skill. Rather than point fingers at differences, try to see them as problems.

Unlike math, most human problems don’t have solutions, but they can be addressed by generating alternatives and evaluating their costs and benefits. Since people legitimately differ on the value of money, it may be more effective to accept the differences rather than get into a conflict that goes nowhere. It is hard to resist pointing fingers, but rarely is it helpful outside a courtroom. Accepting that we goof can lead to introspection and self-correction. Calling oneself a schmuck goes nowhere. But asking, “How can I avoid being gullible?” can lead to improvements. I used to break, out of frustration, most things I repaired. Now, I look at repairs as an opportunity for emotional self-improvement—teaching myself to be calm.

After my heart attack, and ignoring my wife telling me I didn’t look right, I now have a rule to do what I would tell someone else to do. If someone told me they felt easily winded, sometimes stiff, and nauseous, almost all of us would tell him/her to have it medically checked. I learned, from my denial, to listen to my (and my wife’s) advice more. Indeed, I had another stent put in and I’m back to tennis and golf.

Given our fallibility, we waste time and anger when we indict ourselves and others. We should be able to laugh and accept our faults rather than deny them. One patient gets upset when his friends, in his opinion, talk too much. “When are they going to shut up?” he demands. I point out that they don’t go into therapy to change, but he does. I also point out that his talkative friends are opportunities for him to learn anger control. Skills require practice. His reflexive response of pointing fingers at his friends only upsets him and doesn’t make anything better. Only by accepting the imperfection of all of us, can we address problems. Once we stop pointing fingers, we can look at ways to be effective.